“Disclosing” mental illness

There’s something abut the word depression  that I dislike. Many things, if I’m honest. It’s not the kind of thing you want attached to you. You don’t aspire to it. It ain’t glamorous. 

Even when I was a goth in my teenage years I never went in for melancholy.

Depression, once it gets tagged onto you, applied to you as a label, a diagnosis, it sticks. I wish to see it as a temporary thing- like flu, or gastroenteritis. Unfortunate but you’ll get over it. But it’s not, is it? It’s sort of hanging on; going to hang on to you, like a bit of extra skin you grew. Scaly.

I fought hard against that label. My GP and later on psychiatrist, patted it gently on me. I scratched it off. Depressed?! Me? Ain’t nobody got time for that! It took me two months of therapy to accept that yes I am depressed, and no that doesn’t mean I am a failure, incapable of continuing on the achievement merrygoround of life.

Six months on and I can accept being depressed. I believe it. Its there, a part of me. I am taking my medication with my coffee in the morning and it’s just a routine now. To start with just taking the tablets down from the cupboard filled me with shame. I hid them away any time we had a visitor.

The tablets are still hidden, but in a nice tea caddy. They are my secret, private.

My depression remains my secret. I might allude to it, in very couched terms. I am not comfortable with anyone but my husband and my sister knowing. 

Telling others? Nope. Less complicated that way. Don’t want to talk about. Can’t be bothered getting into it, explaining it, justifying it.

Telling people at work. NO FRICKING WAY. In healthcare we call this “disclosing”. Your employer should not, can not discriminate against you for having mental illness. They shouldn’t as they won’t, by law, get away with it (assuming the mentally ill person has the wherewithal  energy or motivation to call them on it).

But they might discriminate against you indirectly, unconsciously. Their view of you may differ. Projects may not come your way “don’t want to put extra stress on you”. Even if they don’t see you differently you might not be able to shake the feeling that they do.

Give other people some credit I hear you say- don’t assume that people will discriminate against you or think less of you if you disclose your mental illness. They might not. You wouldn’t, would you, if one of your staff disclosed to you?

I don’t even really know the answer to that. 6 months ago I couldn’t accept a diagnosis of depression because I saw it as a sign of weakness, failure, pathetic. And I’m a highly ethical, moral and humanistic person. 

My view on depression has changed. I have accepted it within myself. Is the next step feeling confident to disclose it to others?

And how hard must it be for people with more serious mental illness? You need to be a real tough cookie to wear that badge with confidence and yet complex mental illness saps your confidence and self efficacy to levels lower than most of us can even imagine.

I feel strongly about this. I wish there was something I could do towards this. I think it’s amazing, and shows such promise for the future when high profile celebrities like Stephen Fry, and politicians speak out publicly about their mental illness. Bravo.