As easy as ABC…or is it?

                                    It’s as easy as ABC..D.

Apparently so. It’s a CBT thing (cognitive behavioural therapy)- a method to change your thinking style, your approach, your default setting way of looking and thinking about things. And thoughts lead to feelings, so probably worth a looking at.

A- Activating event

B- Beliefs

C- Consequences

D- Disputation

Taking an example: I used the ABC…D method as advised by my therapist- just to try it out.

A: Last Sunday night it was the night before my first day back at work after being off for a month of sick leave.

B: Beliefs- these are the thoughts I had about it: What would I say to people to explain where I had been? Would anyone ask me? How would I feel about that? What about the pressure of being back at work and in that environment? What about my staff (I lead a team) and how they have been coping on their own without me?

I hadn’t heard anything from any of my colleagues while I had been away so had no idea how the land would lie.

It would be tough seeing my boss and discussing my phased return to work.

C: how did these beliefs make me feel?

Anxious

Unsure

Worried

Low in confidence

Scared of relapse

Pissed off!

D: disputation. So I explored these thoughts and challenged them- was anyone really going to ask me where I had been or push me for details? No. Unlikely. Most people I work with are lovely sensitive people and would get that I wouldn’t want to talk about it. Ok.

What was the worst my boss could do? (well now she has been known to take tissues to meetings because she knows in advance that she will make people cry so it could be bad).

I made myself try a different way of looking at it:

The first few minutes will be awkward but everyone else will get that too and do their best to make it smoother.

Yes I was off work unexpectedly for a month but I was unwell and it was the right thing to do. If one of my staff or colleagues was in teh same situation I would not criticise them for taking sick leave. There is no shame in having mental health problems and taking time off work does not mean that I have failed, or am a weakling or an unreliable person. I have worked my ass off in this job for the last two years and never taken more than a day off. People will be glad to see me back and pleased that I am getting better, and nobody will push me to disclose what is wrong with me.

So as I lay in bed on Sunday night I tossed and turned and fretted about the As, Bs, Cs and the Ds. I really wanted the Ds to come true.

Had a pretty shitty sleep (more bout the night sweats later!).

Monday went ok. Everyone was fine. It was cool.

I avoided my boss until Friday and she gave me a bollicking for not seeing her Monday but in grand scheme of things could have been worse.

So ABCD worked out. Must try again and use as default way to think.

Important point though- ABCD works ok if your frame of mind or mood is in a good phase. If I had tried this a couple weeks ago the D would not have broken through the depression fugg or the cycle of negative thinking. So what will really be a test of this new technique would be one of those times. Sure it’s possibly just around the corner. Bring it on!

Coping skills

When initially diagnosed as “severely depressed” I really struggled with the diagnosis. I didn’t have time to be depressed! I was busy! I was super strong, made of steel like Sara Lund (The Killing fans of you will get that). 

Over the months I have gradually accepted that I am depressed. And more recently that this is largely related to my thinking patterns, perfectionist tendencies, harsh view of myself and goal oriented priorities (why would I spend time doing something just because I enjoy it, duh?).

So it’s all my fault. I made this happen to myself. And only I can fix it (oh look it’s that harsh criticism of self again).

Let’s look at this a different way: (a more compassionate way)

– I was brought up to be an achiever- work hard, play later, top of class, the A team, best score. 

– I want to be the best, in charge, the leader, the boss. I want to show them all.

– I don’t find it easy to relax (see above)

– I find it hard to admit when I am struggling (see above)

So. All some of these beliefs have positive outcomes:

I have a successful career (although not so successful right now as I am on sick leave, lying in bed with the cats writing a blog while everyone else is at work), I am an attractive, slim weight and my bookshelves are all in order.

But the negatives are: yes, you’ve guessed it, I am vulnerable to depression and anxiety.

Which would be ok if I have appropriate or positive strategies to cope with that- like yoga, or talking to people, or meditation or some such. Or even just recognising it and allowing myself it.

Currently my strategies involve:

Keeping it to myself (Sara Lund style) 

Ignoring it

Disordered eating (overeating and binging or restricting food in a sad way to do something, something to respond to how I’m feeling)

Pulling away from social interaction as the inner monologue gets louder and the washing machine of thoughts chug on, hour after hour.

So I need to work on those….