It’s been a while, and there is a reason for that. A few things happened in succession that took over:

I started my new job and I have been caught up with that.

I had my last weekly appointment with my therapist and won’t see her for another month: this means I am in recovery

I have an email in my inbox from the dietitian asking if I can come for a review in 2 weeks.

I could just stop now and pretend it’s all over, it was an episode that has now concluded. I was depressed and not eating. I’m ok now.

I don’t want to go to the dietitian appointment because I know that I have only gained less than a kilo. I weigh myself every morning and it’s still in a place where I feel ok (50kg). Yesterday I was 51 kg and it coloured my whole day. So I wouldn’t say things are ok here, not at all.

But maybe 50kg is where it is going to stay. As I’ve said before- it’s reasonably healthy and it’s enough food to sustain me. Whatever I’m bored with it.

Things are ok mood wise. The new job is all consuming but relatively stress free so far. I need to try and keep it that way. Already I’m not taking breaks and staying late but that is what my new boss does so I feel I have to follow suit. Or I could be mature and strong about it and let him know what way I will do things. I need to do this otherwise I will be heading down danger road again. The depression and sick leave from work seems like a distant memory now. It’s almost like I can’t comprehend it. But it could happen again. It happened once so it could happen again and I need to make sure it does not.

Or I could just pretend it ever happened and move on?

There are good days and then the bad days

Energy energy where did you go? I had you. We were reunited. My arteries hummed with effervescence. Stuff got planned. Smiles crept out. The smiling girl in my wedding photos was back.

Bam!

God I missed her. Pre-depression me. She was awesome. I almost forgot what she felt like. Lots of days now I can feel her coming back. Filling me out. Blooming inside me. My own Spring. Buds pushing through. Come on! Come quickly!

I feel impatient to get better. Now that I am out of the fug, the worst of it is over, I can look back on being depressed rather than be in it. This of course is most most awesome. Like realising something precious you thought you’d lost was actually just hidden in the back of your wardrobe.

I do of course still have bad days. Tired sinking feeling days. Yesterday was one such day. I was tired. Bone tired. Dog tired. It had been coming on for a few days. Being back at work full time is hard. I am determined to make it work but it is of course tough after being on sick leave for a whole month. I start my new job in a few weeks and and I desperate to be better by then. Is this unrealistic? Possible. Am I putting too much pressure on myself- yes maybe.

Are we going down that road again? We could be. It doesn’t have to be a problem though, does it? I have learned lessons and I can apply them:

1. Acknowledging that I get stressed and that is ok.

2. Accepting that I am prone to getting depressed when overwhelmed or underwhelmed and this leads to not looking after myself.

3. Preparing myself and protecting myself is important- eating properly, getting rest and breaks and trying to have some kind of work life balance.

And being compassionate in my views of myself. Says my therapist.

This is what I need to do to look after myself.

Let’s see how it goes…..

 

 

 

Returning to work….eeeek

Returning to work on a “phased return to work” tomorrow.

Trying to stay neutral about this. Yes it will make me feel anxious and yes some moments will be tough but it will be ok. People will perhaps ask where I have been but mainly people will probably just say hi. But it could be awkward.

The first hour will be tough but then it will be fine. I am looking forward to going back to a routine- like getting up at 645 and heading out to work like a normal person.

I have been off for a month so it will feel rusty.

Will I eat?

Who knows- it depends how it goes I suppose….