Energy energy where did you go? I had you. We were reunited. My arteries hummed with effervescence. Stuff got planned. Smiles crept out. The smiling girl in my wedding photos was back.
Bam!
God I missed her. Pre-depression me. She was awesome. I almost forgot what she felt like. Lots of days now I can feel her coming back. Filling me out. Blooming inside me. My own Spring. Buds pushing through. Come on! Come quickly!
I feel impatient to get better. Now that I am out of the fug, the worst of it is over, I can look back on being depressed rather than be in it. This of course is most most awesome. Like realising something precious you thought you’d lost was actually just hidden in the back of your wardrobe.
I do of course still have bad days. Tired sinking feeling days. Yesterday was one such day. I was tired. Bone tired. Dog tired. It had been coming on for a few days. Being back at work full time is hard. I am determined to make it work but it is of course tough after being on sick leave for a whole month. I start my new job in a few weeks and and I desperate to be better by then. Is this unrealistic? Possible. Am I putting too much pressure on myself- yes maybe.
Are we going down that road again? We could be. It doesn’t have to be a problem though, does it? I have learned lessons and I can apply them:
1. Acknowledging that I get stressed and that is ok.
2. Accepting that I am prone to getting depressed when overwhelmed or underwhelmed and this leads to not looking after myself.
3. Preparing myself and protecting myself is important- eating properly, getting rest and breaks and trying to have some kind of work life balance.
And being compassionate in my views of myself. Says my therapist.
This is what I need to do to look after myself.
Let’s see how it goes…..
theefexordiaries 
You can and will get back there… and I’m only confident of this fact just now as I recently (and finally) went off my antidepressant of two years, and realized that my energy is still MINE and I was not changed permanently by the drug or the PTSD. Dr. Seuss: “Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
That means, you are whole and powerful and resilient and there is always hope, because you still have your light and your energy. It’s just waiting for you to retrieve it 🙂 xoxo, g.
Thanks for the pep talk- definitely required on a Sunday night before a week at work!