It’s been a while, and there is a reason for that. A few things happened in succession that took over:

I started my new job and I have been caught up with that.

I had my last weekly appointment with my therapist and won’t see her for another month: this means I am in recovery

I have an email in my inbox from the dietitian asking if I can come for a review in 2 weeks.

I could just stop now and pretend it’s all over, it was an episode that has now concluded. I was depressed and not eating. I’m ok now.

I don’t want to go to the dietitian appointment because I know that I have only gained less than a kilo. I weigh myself every morning and it’s still in a place where I feel ok (50kg). Yesterday I was 51 kg and it coloured my whole day. So I wouldn’t say things are ok here, not at all.

But maybe 50kg is where it is going to stay. As I’ve said before- it’s reasonably healthy and it’s enough food to sustain me. Whatever I’m bored with it.

Things are ok mood wise. The new job is all consuming but relatively stress free so far. I need to try and keep it that way. Already I’m not taking breaks and staying late but that is what my new boss does so I feel I have to follow suit. Or I could be mature and strong about it and let him know what way I will do things. I need to do this otherwise I will be heading down danger road again. The depression and sick leave from work seems like a distant memory now. It’s almost like I can’t comprehend it. But it could happen again. It happened once so it could happen again and I need to make sure it does not.

Or I could just pretend it ever happened and move on?

Tug of war- letting go of restricting.

We go one way, then we go another way. Forwards and back. The grass starts to get thread-bare, then completely worn away. Heels are digging in completely now.

I really, honestly do not know what to do. I have lost track of what “normal” eating is. I have lost track of what my body is supposed to look like. Supposed to feel like. My fingers find the bones of my chest. Ribs- I count them and rub them like a talisman. They protrude a little. When people hug me or rub my back it embarrasses me a bit- the knobs.

Now I’m not Skeletor (He-man reference). I don’t look “anorexic”. And I’m not. I am underweight but people don’t look at me and think “eeeek!”.

My dietitian thinks I should be about 1.5 stones heavier than I am. Now come on- I have never been that weight in my life and never intend to be. She very seriously tells me that at my current weight I would not be able to conceive. However my blood results are all within normal range, I manage to live a pretty normal life and my hair’s not falling out so I’m obviously not that bloody underweight. Also I get lots of calcium. So why can’t I just continue as I am?

But I’m not sure about how I look. The chest is obviously bony. I’ve always been small on top but now it’s super small. The shoulders are a bit pointy. But my stomach and thighs have never been like this before. Am I prepared to have a bony upper body just so that I can have slim thighs?

Eh. Yes. It would appear so.

I know I know I KNOW that men find slightly curvier women more attractive. Whevs. I am not doing this for men. I am doing it for my own sense of inner peace with my weight.

It could be just a phase. Normality might creep back in..