We go one way, then we go another way. Forwards and back. The grass starts to get thread-bare, then completely worn away. Heels are digging in completely now.
I really, honestly do not know what to do. I have lost track of what “normal” eating is. I have lost track of what my body is supposed to look like. Supposed to feel like. My fingers find the bones of my chest. Ribs- I count them and rub them like a talisman. They protrude a little. When people hug me or rub my back it embarrasses me a bit- the knobs.
Now I’m not Skeletor (He-man reference). I don’t look “anorexic”. And I’m not. I am underweight but people don’t look at me and think “eeeek!”.
My dietitian thinks I should be about 1.5 stones heavier than I am. Now come on- I have never been that weight in my life and never intend to be. She very seriously tells me that at my current weight I would not be able to conceive. However my blood results are all within normal range, I manage to live a pretty normal life and my hair’s not falling out so I’m obviously not that bloody underweight. Also I get lots of calcium. So why can’t I just continue as I am?
But I’m not sure about how I look. The chest is obviously bony. I’ve always been small on top but now it’s super small. The shoulders are a bit pointy. But my stomach and thighs have never been like this before. Am I prepared to have a bony upper body just so that I can have slim thighs?
Eh. Yes. It would appear so.
I know I know I KNOW that men find slightly curvier women more attractive. Whevs. I am not doing this for men. I am doing it for my own sense of inner peace with my weight.
It could be just a phase. Normality might creep back in..
theefexordiaries 
Do whatever you need to do to feel good and healthy and sane 🙂 xoxo, g.