When initially diagnosed as “severely depressed” I really struggled with the diagnosis. I didn’t have time to be depressed! I was busy! I was super strong, made of steel like Sara Lund (The Killing fans of you will get that).
Over the months I have gradually accepted that I am depressed. And more recently that this is largely related to my thinking patterns, perfectionist tendencies, harsh view of myself and goal oriented priorities (why would I spend time doing something just because I enjoy it, duh?).
So it’s all my fault. I made this happen to myself. And only I can fix it (oh look it’s that harsh criticism of self again).
Let’s look at this a different way: (a more compassionate way)
– I was brought up to be an achiever- work hard, play later, top of class, the A team, best score.
– I want to be the best, in charge, the leader, the boss. I want to show them all.
– I don’t find it easy to relax (see above)
– I find it hard to admit when I am struggling (see above)
So. All some of these beliefs have positive outcomes:
I have a successful career (although not so successful right now as I am on sick leave, lying in bed with the cats writing a blog while everyone else is at work), I am an attractive, slim weight and my bookshelves are all in order.
But the negatives are: yes, you’ve guessed it, I am vulnerable to depression and anxiety.
Which would be ok if I have appropriate or positive strategies to cope with that- like yoga, or talking to people, or meditation or some such. Or even just recognising it and allowing myself it.
Currently my strategies involve:
Keeping it to myself (Sara Lund style)
Ignoring it
Disordered eating (overeating and binging or restricting food in a sad way to do something, something to respond to how I’m feeling)
Pulling away from social interaction as the inner monologue gets louder and the washing machine of thoughts chug on, hour after hour.
So I need to work on those….
theefexordiaries 